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Most felicitous greetings and please excuse in advance my intrusion into
your present attentions! For some reason unknown to anyone, this is how we Spamanians
syntax when proposing most critical business dealings to kind strangers. Thank
you, yes!
Begging your allowance to introduce myself, for I am Igbay Uckersay,
under-assistant secretary for foreign money transactions in the treasury
department of Spamania. And I come to you this day with a very exclusive
proposal for great mutual benefit. If indeed you are the morally superior
person our investigations have indicated, you will not delete this message
and move on to the next penis-enlargement or breast-enlargement e-mail
offer. You will for now keep your small penis or small breasts as currently
sized and allow me to relate my situation in full for your explaining.
Thank you, yes!
During a routine audit of the provincial treasury of the Upper Spamanian
Plateau region, my department came across a very large surplus fund kept
over and hidden by the corrupt and discredited previous regime. These
funds, which accrued from excise tax, general duties and flat-out bribes
from select wool gatherers and snipe hunters in the Upper Spamanian Plateau
now total $14M (Fourteen Million United States dollars, thank you, yes!)
Very sadly, the treasury officials of the corrupt and discredited previous
regime experienced a series of tragic and invariably fatal falls, accommodated
most righteously by peasant cadres of the Upper Spamanian Defenestration
Front. With the USDF now in disarray and former treasury officials not
among us, this surplus fund now resides in a numbered account overseen by
myself and other trustworthy officials.
Now, you may ask yourself: ''Why is Igbay Uckersay, an important
under-assistant secretary of a prosperous foreign government, aware of my
e-mail and wishing to message me? What have I done to merit the attention
of the Spamanian government?''
We cannot, for national security reasons, specify exactly what actions
have caused us to believe that you are a highly trustworthy person. But our
selection process has been rigorous and we have been resolute in our
determination to locate only the most highly qualified foreign partner. It
is possible you did a kind turn for someone recently and were observed by
an agent working in concert with our government and although you were
unaware of it, your valor and trustworthiness have been noted. Perhaps something
like that, thank you, yes!
You may naturally wonder if any person of sanity and clearmindedness
would respond to the so-called ''Nigerian Letter'' scam. (''Scam'' is not a
very nice word and we object most vigorously to it!) You should know a
recent study by the FBI's cyber-fraud complaint Web site at www.ifccfbi.gov
found that more than 15 percent of all online fraud that gets reported
consists of variants of the ''Nigerian Letter.'' (''Fraud'' also is not a
very nice word and we object most vigorously to it!) And the median value
of the cases reported to the complaint site was more than $5,000. We are
not making this up. So yes, many thousands of your fellow citizens answer
these letters every year!
Now I am privileged to extend this genuine opportunity to you! As a
civil servant, I am not allowed to transfer these funds directly to bank
accounts held by me within my nation. However there is NO PROHIBITION
against you sending funds FROM a foreign account to me to hold in trust in
anticipation for the time henceforth when I shall remit to you remainders
of said trust.
Because you are so qualified as a trustworthy person non-native and
non-resident to Spamania, it is not necessary for you to remit this in
cash. We trust you to complete your end of this transaction. To facilitate
this deal in utmost confidence and efficiency, please only supply by return
e-mail your checking account number, credit card numbers and expiration
dates, mother's maiden name and information on where we may obtain title to
your primary residence or the indentured servitude of your firstborn child.
This is all we require, thank you, yes!
Under no circumstances should you need to contact authorities in your
government that protect the terminally clue-impaired against Internet
fraud. That would only confuse them. We have cleared this confidential
transaction with them already and have highest assurances of our
satisfaction.
Our strategic agent in the United States, representing most confidentially
our back-channel interests in Spamania, is deep undercover as an ordinary
journalist -- a mediocre Internet columnist who amuses himself by dabbling
in satire! (It is sad, no?) If you shall wish to expedite this arrangement,
very kindly send all surplus funds immediately to this intermediary
utilizing the contact information supplied below. Is he of deserving
condition, you ask? Perhaps not. But with your kindness and support he may
make it through another week, deeply grateful for any consideration, thank
you, yes!
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